Having a bit of a sad...

There are moments in your life which can define who you are. I have realized that sometimes I am a coward. I find that I am having a lot of difficulty with my best friend's diagnosis of breast cancer.

To help the reader understand, this is a woman that I have known nearly my entire life. She knows me better than anyone else on this planet, with the exception of my husband (and he doesn't know everything about me like she does). There are literally a million good and sometimes bad memories that she has shared with me. Every single difficult moment that I have had in my life in the last 20 years she has been at my side. How is it then that I feel so very helpless and weak in the face of this greatest challenge of hers?

Doesn't say much for me. Maybe this is common. I'm not sure, but I don't like it much. I'm not sure why I feel compelled to blog about this, but maybe this has become my diary. Sorry to everyone that doesn't feel like they want to be sad. But right now I am sad. It's a real pisser. You'd think that after being on the peripheral of our other friend's battle with cancer that this wouldn't even phase me, but it seems remarkable and amazing that two of the people that I grew up with and who helped shaped who I am are both hit with the exact same kind of breast cancer.

This is a journey that I cannot be a part of. I will not understand the emotions that these women face. I cannot feel the pain that they feel. I do not feel the terrible strain that chemotherapy is having on their fragile, yet strong, bodies. I cannot ride on that roller coaster with them. But I can be at the starting gate and waiting at the gate when they get off. Especially at the end of that roller coaster ride that they must endure to live. There is an entire story in our friendship and I am terrified that Tracy is going somewhere that I cannot follow. She is on a journey that I am not. For the first time in our long, long history together, I cannot simply say "I understand what you are going through". 

But, dammit, I can send my best friend some socks to keep her feet warm (Tracy, if you read this, expect a package in the next few days!!)

I am spending an inordinate amount of time trying to remember everything. Tracy has always been my memory for me. She has always remembered everything that I forget. There were also times in my life that she was my consciousness and my inspiration. When I was whining about my career and how I wasn't happy, she told me to get up off my ass and do something about it. She has always been the person that is there for me and I am sorry to her that I am not at her side to help her go through this.

But so this blog is not super sad, I will try to tell all my ardent readers (all two of you, heh) about a hilarious story...well, maybe not this time. There are too many that could get us in trouble with our parents, heh. Yeah, we're 34 years old and I still wouldn't tell mom and dad everything. Don't want them to have a heart attack since they are retired/close to retirement. But trust me, right now I'm laughing my ass off, even through those few pesky tears that are trying to squeeze their way through (don't worry, I didn't squeeze them out, I am still a hard-cold-hearted bastard).

That really is one of the best human emotions though. Laughter through tears. That's what makes us have a soul, I think. The capacity for joy and love through the darkest hours. I'm not sure why I'm so sad right now, but sometimes, it's okay to just be sad. And be pissed. And then have a really, really good laugh. And that's what I'm going to focus on. That ol' standby of laughter. It's got us through lots of other tough times. So, laugh my friends. Every single chance you get. Enjoy your loved people and laugh biatches. Laugh.

Belinda